It's pretty warm here in Boston this winter. Huge chunks of ice caps are breaking away from parts of Northern Canada. Therefore, I resolve to respire less frequently and plant a tree.
The gym was busier than usual this morning. Yep, all of the "get in shape" resolvers are back, for a few months at least. I don't like crowds all that much. Therefore, I resolve to get there earlier each morning and take up two parking spots with my Jeep, making it just a touch less appealing for the flabby newcomers, in an effort to get morning gym usage back to normal levels sooner.
I resolve to clean out my closet. Out go all pleated and cuffed pants - all earmarked for personal income tax deductions. Clothing the needy. In yesterday's fashions.
Finally, I need to find a purpose in life. Or perhaps just a purpose this year. Therefore, I resolve to push for new legislation to retest elderly drivers when they turn 70. Let's improve the collective driving skills of all drivers by eliminating the less capable. Remove those polluting '93 Ford Tempos off the road so there's less traffic and more room for my SUV.
4 comments:
So you are saying that 5 years from now on your 70th b-day you will be giving up your drivers licenses voluntarily?
I believe that you may need to rethink some of your resolutions. First, I am no expert, but I do not think that it possible to breathe less. While I applaud your efforts to plant a tree, the additional respiration required to undertake such a project would outweigh the immediate benefits of planting the tree (or even the long-term benefits if the tree died).
Second, bigger folks need to go to the gym as much as you do, if not more. Taking up two parking spots with your gas guzzling SUV (which, by the way, if you really wanted to help the environment, you should trade in for a GEO Metro or Ford Tempo)is not very considerate.
Third, someday you will be older (than you probably are now). There are several drivers of all ages that should be tested. For example, I was driving down the road this weekend and this moron without her headlights on (yes, it was night) decided that she was more important than the car that had the right of way (me) and almost hit my friend and myself. Shouldn't she be retested, as clearly she does not know the rules of the road?
So, here are your revised resolutions:
1) Instead of planting a tree, get a more environmentally friendly (and, quite frankly, more economical, as gas prices will increase in 2007)car. In doing this, you will reduce the depletion of the ozone layer much more expeditiously than if you were to simply reduce respiration.
2) Instead of taking up two parking spots at the gym maybe you could walk. This would give you your daily excercise, as well as allow the bigger boned folk to exercise as well.
3) If you really need a purpose in your life write to your representatives begging mandatory retesting for all drivers every five years. That way we can reduce incompetent drivers of all ages (and you won't be chastised for age descrimination)
4) I do agree with your resolution to dispose of all pleated and cuffed pants, as they have been out of style for quite sometime. Oh yes, and any plaid yellow shirts you may possess need to go also.
5) Don't forget to take a little time to enjoy the view.
"Remove those polluting '93 Ford Tempos off the road so there's less traffic and more room for my SUV."
As the proud owner of a '92 Ford Tempo, I take great offense to your comment. My tempo went through the same inspection process as your gas guzzling SUV and is fully complient with the emission standards set forth by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Maybe if you spent as much time at your fancy gym as you do blowing hot air out your ass you'd have a much hotter ass to blow it out of.
-kidding in cambridge
Anonymous - you're sadly correct about my needing to hit the gym more often.
However, I'd hardly call Golds in Southie fancy! To me, it's more...practical.
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